80 year old man: My 28 year old wife is pregnant, your opinion Doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and… BANG… The lion drops dead!
Old man: Thats impossible; someone else must have shot the lion…
Doctor: MY POINT EXACTLY!
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. “Don’t you love him anymore?” asked the lawyer.
“Oh, I still love him,” the chick replied. “But all he ever wants is sex, I can’t take it.”
“Instead of divorcing him why don’t you try charging him every time he wants to make love?” the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try. As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
“Not so fast,” she replied. “From now on it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
“Well, then,” he said. “Here’s $50.”
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
“Hold on,” he said, grabbing her hand. “That’ll be five times in the kitchen!”
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!! He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?” The bartender answered, “Well…you pay ten dollars, and IF you pass 3 tests, you get all the money!!!”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up and he asks, “What are the 3 tests?”
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?”The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.” “Onions?” “Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.”